Notes of notes

“Nagpapasalamat ako sa katahimikang nais ng iba, ngunit ako lang ang nakakaranas. Nakakapag-isip ako ng malalim, at mas naiintindihan ko sila. Pero hindi rin laging maganda ang katahimikan. Sinasaktan din ako nito, at pinapadama sakin na wala akong halaga.


Ako yung tipo ng babae na nags-stick sa daily routine. Hindi rin dahil sa gusto ko, pero dahil sa kailangan ko.”


She went down the stairs and saw her mother in the kitchen, looking at her. She smiled and went straight outside and plugged in her earphones as she walked her way to school. She was the most attentive in class, as she never took her eyes off of her prof, who she admires the most. She never liked reciting, cos she’s just painfully shy, but her prof understood her. She only looks at her curiously if she was catching up, and she would just nod. At break time, she would sit on the stones at the field as she plugs her earphones in again, and doodle while she eats. When someone stares at her as if waiting for a conversation to start, she would look away because she’d rather not. She only likes watching other people, but not to converse. “Hindi nila ako maiintindihan, pero mas naiintindihan ko sila kahit di ko sila kinakausap”.


On her way home with earphones plugged-in again, she passed by an open store with her classmates inside. She took off her earphones, and listened to the noise. It was all noise. She could see them laughing and she sees how much they enjoy the noise that she could hear, but it was all too annoying for her, so she left immediately. “Gusto ko silang pinapanuod, pero ni ayoko sila tignan pag nagsimula na silang magsaya habang pinakikinggan na nila ang ingay nila.. Gusto kong isipin na iba lang talaga kami. Na iba lang ako sa kanila.. Pero masakit din maging iba. Mahirap tanggapin”.


She stayed at their sofa, just staring at the people passing by their house. Her brother came near her and nodded, signaling that it’s time for dinner, so she went after him. While eating, she would look at her brother, her mother and father one by one, or like they’re in a picture in front of her. She could understand them, but there was still noise. It was not as loud as what her classmates can make, but it was still noise for her. “Naiintindihan ko sila, pero hindi ko nararamdaman. Hindi ko nararamdaman kung gaano sila kasaya sa mga tawa nila. Hindi ko kayang maramdaman.”


She went to her room, and sat down at her bed. She was bothered, and puzzled. She went to get a radio in her drawer and sat again, as she stares at the radio. She opened it and turned the volume up. She started to hear the noise. She closed her eyes as she tried to understand the noise, but only made her tears to start streaming down her face. “Hindi ko maintindihan, kahit pilitin ko pa, kahit gustuhin ko pa. Kahit anong gawin ko, iba parin talaga ako sa kanila. Iba sila. Iba ako.”


“Hindi ko naman talaga ginusto ang katahimikang ako lang ang nakakaranas. Masakit ito para saakin. Gusto ko din naman may marinig, at nang maintindihan ko sila. Gusto ko sila maintindihan, at madama ang sinasabi nila galling sa aking maririnig. Pero hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman nila, dahil hindi ko sila madinig. Mas gusto ko na lang wala talagang marinig kaysa sa may ingay lang akong naririnig na hindi ko naman nadadama at naiintindihan ng lubusan.”


As she went out of the house, she took out her ipod, off , and plugged-in her earphones and walked.


(September 29, 2012. Submitted for AVP class)


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