How it really feels

It takes awhile before it sinks in, when something you’ve held on so preciously for years starts crashing down right in front of you. It takes a whole lot of courage to let it sink in, because it doesn’t stop there. After it had sunk, you have to let it hurt you and you have to feel it before you can finally say you’re okay with it. You will, eventually, but it will take time.

We’ve all gone through the Disney fairy tales there is and they’ve been part of our childhood. Even as we grew older and kind of get that they’re all made up and quite impossible to happen in real life, we wouldn’t spend time trying to find rationality through every story just to prove how we’re already matured and how we’re trying hard to be realistic. Besides, why ruin the childhood memories that can pour a little sunshine to any bad days in the present?

Loving someone for a long time without even being in a relationship isn’t a walk in the park. Though, it’s also not something you can keep yourself from feeling. If it’s there, then it’s there. You can’t force something to happen nor can you force something to ‘not’ happen. Often times, you just have to live with it and wait til you find something that’s finally in your favor.

I know there’s nothing for me in it and I’m not insisting that there will be. God knows how much I try to get over it, but it’s not as easy as taking out dirt from your hair or dust in your shirt. And honestly, deep down, I just have to find confirmation. Something to finally slap me in the face without the need to just assume on it. I have to either hear it straight from the person or read it in black and white. A proof, or something like that.

And when it’s finally there in front of you, it takes some time before the blur gets clear. And like I said, it takes time before it finally sinks in to you.

How does it really feel? You know all those fairy tales that took part in your past? Those that first taught you about love and gave you hope? It felt like they were all either erased, taken out, or were made into totally different stories that you couldn’t even tell that they’re actually the ones that lifted you up before. And it feels like those parts that you felt good about, shouldn’t have made you feel good at all. How when you try to look back, it’s just never the same anymore. That you lost all your saved up comfort for the upcoming rainy days. That all your ‘once upon a time’ just never got into the ‘happily ever after’ part.

After a few mornings, you wake up with a clean mind, but then it hits right back at you and it’s like you’re back to zero, starting all over again with remembering, feeling how much it hurts, and trying to forget and move on. Sometimes you just live with it, you know? Like it’s now part of your life and it feels normal having it around. Like a part of your autopilot self. But you’ll hate those sudden attacks of memories and of that day when they all got beaten down by the truth. And it will hurt again.  If you’re alone then I guess it’s okay, but there will be times when it happens just about anytime and anywhere and you’ll end up looking like a lunatic, crying without a visible reason or explanation.

There will be more of those awkward moments you emit and it will torture you in a way. You take that pause or blank stares and it takes longer than before, and inside, you’ve already gone through a flashback or a made-up conversation with the person and you just want to let it all out. Like you’re a ticking bomb inside and you just can’t wait to explode- but hopeful that maybe, exploding might actually help you get over everything. There are no suicidal thoughts, don’t worry, but some days you just want to stop with whatever routine or part-of-life you’re doing, and cry everything out. That, or I’m just an awfully emotional person who has terrible detachment issues. Will have to just blame the hormones.

It may also make you feel like a kid again, but in a quite-wrong way. It makes you want to eat all the sweets you can get and you cling on to people extra extra more than you’ve ever been. Because you don’t want to feel alone. You don’t want to feel left out. You don’t want to lose something to hold on to.

Because really, it somehow already feels that way.

 

I know I have to wait ’til I get better. I am not rushing myself and I don’t have to skip this.

For now, I will have to feel everything before I can go through accepting every bit of it.

Then, I will be fine. I will eventually be confident enough to say I’m okay without having to lie.

I will be, just not yet.

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