First week of the first month and the question is, what, where and how do I start?
The usual blog posts you’d read when the new year starts are always about the year that was and, well, basically just about being nostalgic and redeeming one’s hope that everything will be better and so on and so forth. I’d like to talk about what I’ve been through, where I actually got myself into without any formal or own intention, and what I managed to do.
You might think I’m exaggerating it, or the term might actually be in itself, but I have a problem with using a better term on things or situation and I think this will suffice- I got lost.
I questioned the path I took for college right after I graduated and felt regret seeping through all the flaws and inadequacies. I was on the verge of hating myself and everyone else who has a semi-fault on all the shortcomings and I thought that maybe, it’ll sink in to me easier and faster. The way I pitied myself that time was probably the worst feeling I’ve ever let myself feel. It was real, but then again the pain it entailed was more of self-inflicted.
After some time, I managed to detach myself from all there is. I allowed myself to look and find what was missing, to accept what can and can’t be changed, and to push myself where I ought to be. I had to go through putting up walls that even I got suffocated, to crying every night and wishing I had a different life, and to thinking that it will never get better. It felt like I hated everything and everyone at that point and somehow, that got me into actually letting it all go while I called and held on to the Main Man up there. After that, it all seemed in place.
I was lost, but I had the courage to wander and believed that where I was heading, where I’ve gone through, is eventually part of my own road of dreams. I may have not been happy with my first job and I could have shown them I can do so much more and far better, but I need not to please everyone else unless it pleases my heart in the first place.
I could not care less whether I’ve gone through 2 jobs in just half a year, because I didn’t quit cos I was lazy, nor was I being picky with the environment or what have you. It was because I didn’t want to settle for something that doesn’t make my heart feel warm, or on something that would only satisfy my personal, more so with just financial needs and wants. The Beatles taught me to be a dreamer since I was a kid and I knew, since then, that I will be someone who’ll make my dreams come true, so why should I stop now? Yes, there were opportunities, more realistic goals, anything easier to attain, but who can judge that my dreams are not reachable?
Also quoting Steve Jobs to back me up on this, with “…Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world – are the ones who DO!”
I was also somewhere in between needy and frustrated. Searching for what I truly want, what I think I deserve and having that slight feel of desperation that I may have actually done something very unfamiliar to myself that neither did I believe I actually did or say. (The confusion to that statement is as much confusing as it was, sorry.)
I made myself believe that everything and everyone who came, was what I deserve to have. That I shouldn’t let go of them and do everything to keep them. That losing them might just be a challenge I must encounter and get through to. That every heartache was my fault because I didn’t know how to take care of what I had. It felt like I lost what I’m supposed to have.
then FELL IN LOVE.
Apparently it was just a phase that led me into falling in love and staying in love. Not with a particular person, but with my life. With the help from, of course, the Big Man, and my closest friends, I realized how I shouldn’t doubt myself especially when I’m positively sure I did what I had to, gave what I am capable of giving- without going overboard and ending up as a solitaria desesperada.
I’ve also finally accepted and welcomed the bittersweet existence of change. All is but temporary and everything changes, either becoming less or more of what it is.
The heartaches were and will always be inevitable. It’s not something you can run from or avoid, even if you’re feeling lucky. And you know what? It’s not so bad after all. The intensity of it may shock you and make you feel like you can’t take it, then you go through depression and all that. Actually, you just got to let it sink in, you cry it out, you look for the bright side (P.S. there will always be a bright side), and then you learn from it and then you let go.
Holding on to things that already happened and those you can never have control of with, is a bloodless harakiri. That’s if you don’t try and go suicidal, of course. It might come off pessimistic, but let’s all get realistic here- we will all lose everyone, regardless of how much we show them love or how we took care of them.
I don’t need to look for it, I believe that God will give me what’s really meant for me, in His perfect time and reason. (This is, by the way, generally speaking and not just about a certain aspect)
As I look back to how my 2013 went, it was a good combination of good and good- disguised as challenges and pain. I would never change anything from how it was, if I even get the chance. The way it tossed me into one pit to another and how it became a love-hate relationship was all I needed that made me stronger now more than ever. It felt like it was the best thing to fall in love with because it was all worth it. All throughout, it’s the best year I can always look back to and not feel any regrets or dismay on. It was a fair share of wins and losses, but really, it was all a gain for me.
It’s both funny and amazing how I shifted from being pessimistic to optimistic fast enough to get back up all in the right time and didn’t have to get myself in trouble. It was smooth, in a way. And that, I’m most thankful of.
Now I’m up for another year to fall in love with. A year that’ll help me grow and appreciative of everything that life has for me.
As I see it, all the negative things you’ve gone through is not as important as how you see it and what you do about it right after.
It’s not the fall, but how you stood up. Not the mile, but how you ran.