(Oct. 31, 2013)
I may be mistaken of staring at people and would come off as rude, but really, I’ve just been having these moments where I just stare blankly at anything, anywhere or even at anyone. Or at least that’s how it seems. Nothing is ever how it seems. Those blank-looking-stares is when my brain suddenly decides to hop into this unearthly depth and ride a roller coaster that doesn’t have a distinct time to stop. Or even at some fortunate time, get tangled up and mess with the emotions and all that.
I am probably at this point in my life where I question myself. Though it’s not like I question other things more than I question myself. I’d like to specifically talk about it as to where I am right now and where I ought to be, or in a simpler term, my fate.
Do you ever get that feeling that you’ve chosen a wrong path, or that you may be insisting on taking a road where you’re not really meant to go through at all and your tour guide just got tired of pulling you back in line? Have you been painfully dedicated on following your heart that you’ve forgotten about how some things should be done with much rationality, or maybe, how digging your toes to realism beats swimming through idealism at most stuff.
Sometimes I wonder whether my dreams or how I can reach them is but a form of an illusion. Have I put myself too high on the clouds that they’ve consumed me and the muddied earth I long to walk on? Are we actually doing the things that’ll lead us to what they call as “according to plan”, or we’ve beaten the odds for something that leads us to a nowhere land? But maybe, just maybe, we’re still leading to that plan all along. Or so we hope we are.
Is everything, even the littlest touch of hair I did just now or the different blow of breath I did out of rebellion to the usual breathing, really is part of what is fated for us? Or has the idled-five-minutes-a-day I chose to permit myself with changed the current of my sail? Has that five minutes, if used differently, made me rich or have given me a chance to witness a five-minute miracle?
As I see it now, we can only hope we’re doing our fate some justice and not sabotaging it unintentionally. Even underneath all the doubts I’ve been smack-dabbing myself with or the ever so imminent depression, there will always be that hope that we try so hard not to fall short of. That faith we keep on losing yet gaining back like air we could never live without. And so as how people may see me as a weakling, I believe otherwise.
Hey, I’ve got ‘Dum Spiro, Spero‘ as my favorite motto in life for a great reason.