Soon, just not now.

“I feel good, I feel great, I feel juicy!”

– The lines I have gone to love hearing and saying, like a daily mantra that actually works.

I remember what I heard from one of my professors in college about choosing work; “what can you do everyday, even without getting paid?”. Of course I got paid, but it was more of just an allowance since it wasn’t big. So I’d like to consider it as something I did, without thinking of the pay at all. I just had to let the opportunity go for a personal reason, but it wasn’t because of the work itself. I believe I have gained a lot, and I am beyond grateful.

One of my life goals is to help less privileged kids (and elders), and I was given that chance by working for the benefit of these kids. I didn’t get to know them personally, but I’d like it to stay that way, honestly, because of my attachment issues. (I would want to meet these kids, soon enough, when I get to deal with my emotions regarding this.) So anyway, that was what I did.

Everyday, I went out with my trainer or teammate to give other people the chance to help out by being a member of the organization. For a person innocent with the streets and other means of transportation, everyday was both a challenge and a thrill for me. I also had this advantage of being able to sleep a tad bit earlier than my usual sleep of 1-3am, due to pure exhaustion over the commuting and the endless talking. Since my ignorance from all these is not something I can actually keep from everyone who knows me, they all got confused why and how I stayed. Apparently, I had those moments where I also questioned myself why I still push through. At first, I really didn’t know but I just did.

Then I realized the very thing that pushed me every morning to go through another battle with the world, was that because it’s always a chance to help the kids. To help save their lives. Like what I usually tell those I’ve talked to, “I, personally, have a choice. I can choose not to do this, but these kids don’t have choices and they don’t have anyone else to count on to, but us”.

My everyday purpose was clearer, but at the same time a burden I had to carry. I would always feel emotional with every conversation I had, talking about these kids and every end of the day, I would also feel bad about not having someone sign up to help. Another addition to this was that with every person I get to talk to and know a part of their life that they share with me, I could not seem to let it all go. It felt like a piece of them, stayed with me whether it was negative or positive. (This is probably part of my attachment issues, sorry).

I knew to myself that I can do this for a long time, but then it came to me that if I continued, I would not be able to do my other goals in life, and might also lose that “burning” passion over what I want most. I realized how I placed so much pressure to myself to do all these because it was an opportunity, but then again, I could not put my full attention to what I was doing because I know to myself, that I want to do other stuff before this.

So yes, I had to give it up- “for now”. I’ve prayed for that decision and I know that sooner or later, I’d still get that chance to help out, but for now, I have to help myself get to where I really want to be. I know the rest will follow as soon as I’ve found my place. I also have to learn how to carry my emotions well so that I’ll be able to face these situations in the future. I mean, how can I even start helping, if I can’t be strong enough for them?

All in all, my stay in the company gave me so much in so little time. Literally everyday, I carried lessons and realizations home with me that I may never forget and will always take note of. I’ve gained more understanding as to how life is for other people that are most likely my opposite, how to face struggles I never knew of, and of course, to be thankful.

Yes, I did not stay. But I have shared a part of my life and myself to the people I got the chance to be with and talk to even for less than 10 minutes, and get to help a few kids- that, will stay.

P.S.

Many thanks to Appco Philippines- UNICEF team. :)

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