(August 12, 2011)
After a week of great stress and pressure, I am finally in bed, allowed to rest anytime I feel like doing so. I’ve tried to fool myself the past few days with resting early, but then I always end up feeling anxious and couldn’t really get some rest because I still have a lot to do for the week, and I have productions to settle about and it had already left me worrying ever since we started. I still have a lot to do, but since we don’t have anything to attend to tomorrow, I think I can rest for tonight and do them when I wake up. Besides, I badly need to catch up on my sleep since I’ve had a day where I was awake for 24 hours straight and had skipped meals, which by the way, gave me this constant headache and palpitations.. or should I say, made it worse? Yes, you can say that.
So, anyway. I’ve always been this kid who’s known to be stress-free here at home. They always see me as someone who never gets busy and all that, even when they think I should be, or that I never get to have this feeling of depression or anything near to it, like I am not allowed to feel that way. I don’t know when, why and how they had that thinking, but of course, instead of arguing with them or defending myself, I’d rather not. I bet they wont believe me anyway, if ever. It’s a bit offensive, for me, but what can I do? : )
So, as I was saying.. They look at me like that, and in a way, I kind of think I should act like it, but you know, gain or get to do good despite what they think of me? It feels a bit good to prove something to people without them noticing any effort sometimes..
But ever since this school year started, I couldn’t keep myself from looking all stressed and haggard. I might not look as busy as I already am, but believe me. I think no one’s even gonna survive where we are right now if we don’t keep ourselves busy or if we just take things lightly. I am not complaining about our, or my situation. I am, little by little, falling more deeply in love with my course even with all the tension, and I like how I’m becoming a “work addict” already. Sometimes, I can’t stand not doing a thing, even when I should already take at least a little rest. I think it’s a very good thing anyway, it’s just a little hard since it’s a drastic change/move for me.
I don’t know if it’s normal, but I kind of like doing a lot of things all at the same time. In a way, it makes me feel like I have my “worth” cos I’m doing something right, or with sense. You know, grew up with a slight feeling of unworthiness so this is really “something” for me. And I guess that’s how you’ll really feel, when you love what you are doing or that somehow, you know where you’re going? ; )
Everything feels so good, except when you fail in one thing or another and you can’t help but feel very disappointed with yourself. It makes me think that every failure makes me less of what I want to be, or it misleads me from where I wanna go.
A thing or two gave me that horrible feeling this week. The very thing that dismayed me is my news production (Radio Production class), wherein, I think, compared to all the grades I got from all the major subjects I’ve taken since 1st yr, is so far the lowest. This may be a little exaggerated and all since I didn’t get a failing mark, but it is still low. I “might” get a lower one again (please, no) but really, I dread even just to think about it. This made me feel depressed right away and had me crying that night and it was an awful feeling, what more when I get a lower one?
I asked a 4th yr about her experience before. She said she had a lower grade than with what I got, but then she said that you have nothing else to do but toaccept it, and do better next time. She didn’t say a lot, but what it meant was more than enough, in a way. I also had a little talk with a friend who gave me a little heads up and was nice enough to cheer me up by fooling around with me through text, and yes, still looking forward in talking to my so-called Lolo, Sir Gabs, about it. ; )
I thought about what happened. From failing, down to how I reacted or what I felt about it. (forgive me, I have this thing of always reflecting on things, even with the simple ones)
I thought that, everyone will eventually, and should experience failing every once in awhile to learn, or to be motivated to try again. It is something inevitable, but I kind of think it isn’t really all negative. Yes, just like what Ms. A said, “painful experience”, but we all learn from our mistakes, either to improve on a thing, or to not do it again next time. : )
Another thing is how Ms. A treats us. I have a feeling that she is strict because she wants us to excel, and that she knows we can do better. I feel really comfortable on how she deals with us because in a way, I know she believes in us, and that she really cares. Well I bet, cos if not, she wont be pointing out every bit of mistakes that we had, and would just sit there and give us a grade that popped out of her mind. but you see, she isn’t like that. She knows we can, and she knows we will. She might have a hint about our capacity to do better, maybe that’s why she’s expecting a lot from us. : ) What the other 4th yr students told us about Ms. A supports that thought of mine in some point. ; )
I just realized that “no pain, no gain” didn’t become some kind of a motto for nothing. People from the past may have had an experience where this phrase was proven to be completely right, and is probably something applicable to all walks of life. Everyone is really given such capacity’s and strengths for a great purpose, or that we are given situations that had, or will change a thing or two about us so we can achieve what we are fated to be/do, or that they were given for us to improve and “know” that we can.
2nd, is that I know “I matter“. It’s a bit off of the topic, but since my “private” life or situations can easily affect me in all the wrong times, this is something for me. I just got that from an app in FB which is called “message from God”. I believe that those quotes or words of wisdom weren’t just randomly given by some application, but was fated to be sent to each and every one who tries it. I know, why rely on a computer and not just pray to God, but you know, sometimes it’s just a little kind of assurance which is visible. There are those things that you ask from God which can’t be answered through a situation, but can easily be answered through a reading or something and I believe in them. ; ) well, this goes at least for me though. (Teehee)
The last thing that amazingly appeared from someone who I don’t even follow on twitter but had unintentionally clicked her page, is what was in her bio- “Greatness is at the edge of destruction“. Very short, but very meaningful, I must say. Sometimes, we give up from something when it gets tough, but then what sense will it make if we get it just like that and not work hard for it? Will it really even give us satisfaction when we get something without working for it? I seriously bet not, especially now. what sense would the past things that you’ve gone through to anyway, if you’d only give it all up just because of a tougher situation, right? I also believe that we are just having some “dysfunctions” or something. Like, we are functioning, it’s just that we are not in the right track. A little fixing won’t hurt, I guess. Also, I am thinking that as long as I am being trained or taught, I am still capable of doing so much better than with how I am doing right now. Maybe I just really need much more effort, and belief in myself. ; )