(April 4, 2011)
When we think about love, we either have someone in mind, or a moment we had.
When we remember someone, we either feel happy cos we are still in it, or sad cos things didn’t go the way we want them to between us and that person.
This might sound bipolar but there are cases where they would feel both happy and sad at the same time.
For me, it’s basically it. Bittersweet, is what they call it sometimes.
So far, only one love story had left me with a bittersweet feeling, and would probably be the only one.
Story about me, falling in love with my best friend. :)
You might think it’s just one of those stories where the girl falls in love with her guy best friend then the guy finds out, then they became lovers and all that. but of course, it’s not like that. there’s never really a story that’s completely the same with another. if my story ended up like that, then i must be pretty darn lucky and is forever in cloud 9. but see, mine had the “bitter” end.
So it goes like this.. Back in High School, i was one of the new students who only knows the people in the class and doesn’t care about those who are in the other section. i knew few of them, but i’d rather not know some of them. of course i know them by face, but i don’t dare come up to someone just to ask their name or make friends. I WAS A NEW STUDENT. so you get how a new student would act and what a new student would feel.
For me, this was the start. A boy from the other class came up to me and my friends during recess and fooled around with us and wanted to get some of our food. we did the same to him, even without formally knowing each other. we know, or i know he’s from the other class, but i didn’t know his name, and he doesn’t know my name either. i ended up calling him by his bag’s name with numbers in it. you know how “kids” go sometimes. they play with people they don’t know and it seems like they don’t really need to know each others names anyway.
so yea, we became classmates in our 2nd year, where we finally knew each other by name.
He wasn’t the type of guy who you’d really like in the first look or something, but i knew there was something about this boy that makes me unable to ignore him. I ignored the feeling, also thinking that maybe his weirdness is just so new to me. I mean he really was weird.
I came to know him more when we became seatmates in our second grading.
He was a BOY. happy-go-lucky. insensitive about others. egotistic. very random. rude. mean. focused on basketball and other games.. -someone you’ll never like. but I kept on insisting even to myself that he’s not all that. That maybe he was just trying to be an ass like every other boy, when he isn’t. I thought to myself that I will, in some way, make him show even a bit of a good attitude that he has. I don’t know, i guess you get that random thought in your head sometimes.
We became close. It was fast, but those were the moments I can remember and play slow-mo. we shared everything we had with each other which made others think it was sweet. I guess it was, but for the both of us that time, it was something normal. something, usual.
Well apparently, I came to realize and accept to myself that I wasn’t just so fund of his weirdness, but that I already like him. it took me a long time before I admitted it to myself, cos who would like that kind of boy anyway, right? Well, yea. me.
but anyways, little by little, he was no longer the boy who was all mean and everything. he was beginning to be nice in some way, so i held on to that reason for me to like him. that he can and he was already changing.
until the part where we had a real fight. i mean, cos we always had play-fights ever since we became friends. but then this one was different. i cried because of his rude joke, and instead of apologizing, he was the one who started ignoring me. i was.. confused about how he started to act like i was the one who started the fight.
but then, i couldn’t stay mad at him. it was really weird and i was even battling with myself why the heck am i not mad at him. i should be, but i wasn’t.
months passed where we haven’t really talked to each other, unless really needed. it was tough, trying to be strong and to look like you don’t give a hoot about him ignoring you, when you’ve been longing to talk to him, have play-fights again, and to hug him and say that you want to be okay with him again.
yes, this is when i learned how to love someone even when others think you should be hating that person.
well, to think about it.. i have actually learned to love the egotistic, happy-go-lucky, very random, rude, and mean boy who i thought i would never even like. and even when we have been ignoring each other, i had still learned to love him.
i don’t know but for me, that was something really unusual. i mean, who would love someone even when they had been ignoring each other right? but yea, i did.
after a year, we finally became friends again. he even apologized publicly since almost everyone in our batch knows the story. it was a never-ending relief for me. but yes, i was still holding myself back a little cos I was still in love with him, and i thought that if ever he finds out about it or anything, he might go a little distant from me. that was the only thing i was scared of that time.
on our last year in high school, we became close again. also due to the fact that almost every grouping in activities, we’re randomly placed in the same group.
i had thought of it that i’d be holding back my feelings forever because i wont be able to take it if i lose him again, even just as a friend. would be worst if i lose him because of what i feel for him, so never mind on admitting it and all.
i can say i was doing fine even when i had been holding it back for like 2 years already, though i must admit that it becomes hard whenever we’re together and all he did was make me feel totally happy. or when he makes jokes that only we can understand.. (makes me feel like there’s no one else in the world sometimes..) or when he fools around. or when he stares. or when he smiles at me. or when he goofs off and winks. or when he sings the songs we like even without a really nice voice. well, it was pretty darn hard for me all the time. the contentment of being okay with him, and the feeling of being totally comfortable and happy the way we ended up was the consolation.
it went well for me, until he finally had a girl friend. those were the hardest times. i had to pretend it was nothing for me, and i had to pretend that i was happy for him. i had to keep a smile on my face whenever he talks to me about his girl friend or his plans for his girl friend and keep the tears to myself. those were the days when i had to comfort myself with the fact that at least we were like best friends already. but of course, i also had to deny to myself that being best friends was the only thing we can ever be, so not to feel too depressed at times.
as the school year was about to end already, he had to leave the country after graduation. something their culture has after graduating and all.
that was the time when i decided to admit everything to him, then i would start to let go of what i feel, and move on.
so yea, i did. he said some things that confused me but, never mind them. i just had to move on already.
after a year, he came back. even when he was still in another country, we still had communication. guess what, i even told him i was already getting over him one time when he was still there. LOL yea, i was.
or should i say.. i thought i was.
some of our friends are still fund of teasing us and all. some still insists there’s gotta be something between us. or there’s “gonna be” something soon.
it was all a joke to me.
now, it’s almost 4 years since i’ve loved him. and guess what? i just found myself still in the same place where i was 4 years ago.. still in love with this person.
2 years ago was when i tried to move on. a year ago i thought i already did. but i guess i’ve been in-denial ever since. well of course until now.
i have thought of it for a very long time until i finally accepted it to myself that I’m still in love with him. it was hard, believe me. who would want to be in love with just a friend for a long time? if i really could make it end, then i would have. but what can i do, i just couldn’t.
i have come to think that maybe.. it’s just not meant to end yet. besides, it had really taught me how to love unconditionally (towards someone who is not a relative or something). that it’s okay to love someone even without having love in return. that love really means that you care for someone’s happiness, regardless of what it does to you, or even if it means that it would hurt you and have no love back.
maybe, i just have to let it happen. just let it go with the flow, until it’s time to really end. i have no expectations from him anyway and i have to stick to that.
yea, i always say that if it’s true love, it doesn’t really end or anything, but i don’t know. i’ll just wait til something greater comes for me. something greater than what i have for him back then, and until now.
at least i have some things i can hold on to about this.. experience i’m still experiencing.(hehe) that i still have him as a close friend, i can still feel comfortable and happy at times with him, and that i know that i can truly love.
*as with the bittersweet thing, well you can actually say that i’ve felt that ever since i started loving him. like, i feel happy with him, even when some things hurt me at times.. you get my point. hopefully.