(May 15, 2011)
Today, Sunday, which is a day for God, I just had this utter want to focus less on the world and have little conversations with God in my mind.
While I was at it, people became worried about me being a little quiet and me, staring blankly at a distant. I knew it would make them wonder and I thought of making it up to them as soon as I feel a lot better, but as the time went on, I could no longer get my full attention back to the world. It kind of made me feel upset about making them worry about me or my blank mood, but I still tried to make them feel I appreciate their concern and that I was really having a good day because of them. Don’t get me wrong, that was no pretension, I just really couldn’t focus on them and the things they were doing for me.
In my mind I thought of the life I lived so far, and as I see it, I was a lost wanderer.
I wanted to know what life means, but could not bear realities and would just settle for nothing more than the little pains and gains I had. I knew there’s so much more, but the pain I so far had, made me scared that those were just simple ones and that there are far more bigger and greater pains to face. I wanted to search for reasons, but remained with blunt answers life gave as giveaways and did not want bonuses that could actually give me the reasons I’ve been looking for. Like, answering giveaway questions in tests, but not trying to answer the hard ones even for a big bonus point either cos I’m too scared to fail or to be wrong, or too coward to try.
I also realized I have a life far more blessed than I ever thought it was. I focused too much on the things that went wrong and ignored the things that went and are perfectly going right. I had focused more on the problems and not on it’s lessons and the blessings I’ve had.
The next thought was me, not minding the real blessings that are already right in front of me. Since birth, I had been surrounded by people who God gave as my little guides. No one will ever understand how much they’ve all kept me, and my family away from harm. I never tried to understand it when I thought I knew better about every human being, having a good side in them. I thought they were being too cynical. Well I still think that everyone has something good in them, but I’m no longer innocent with the fact that some people are just really meant to pass you by. Some to show the good things that you should do, or some who are meant to hurt you for you to be able to grow. I am a person who gets too attached to people, and finding out about betrayal or being lied to is something I would like to think no ones ever going to do to me, but is eventually something that’s inevitable. So it always gets me really down every time it happens. I then stop thinking deeper into things cos of the pain it had caused me, but then now I realized that they might have done that to me so I can see that they are not worth for me to consider them as a friend, or that being good doesnt mean being treated the same, or for me to realize that bad things do exist. Or maybe I always knew that, I just kept on insisting to myself that they can’t be the ones doing it to me, because of how too attached I already am with them.
I also realized how I was too attached to people in my life, that I had already put God kept for just the worst case scenarios. Like an alarm in a glass case that says “break glass in case of emergency”. I thought that the people in my life are already enough for some points or cases since they’re given by God anyways, I thought that God is helping me through them. I realized I already have fewer times spent in talking to Him.
I forgot that He’s the only one I could really hold on to who I am sure will never hurt me and is someone who can really help me with everything.
I forgot that He’s the only one I can be really sure of who’s never going to leave me. :’ )
I don’t know what had gotten into me for being so arrogant, but I realized I was too focused on all the worldly things that are all temporary.
I became too dependent on people who are close to me and had forgotten my God who can beat everyone else on being dependable. I forgot how big He was than anyone could ever be.
I forgot that everyone else are just instruments chosen by the one who made the music.
I was really lost. I wasted more like my 18 years living, forgetting who gave me everything, and my life itself.
I am beyond regretful about this, but right now I’m just really glad I got to realize these things.
I’m not saying I am letting go of the people I have around me who had always been my little angels, and this doesn’t mean I don’t need them anymore, I am just going to get things right and put God first. I have to completely accept that I only have God to give all my worries away to, and for my comfort, the fact that I have a God, as something more than enough. : )
I just have to completely give myself to Him. ; )
All these made me realize I had 18 years of my life, in an idle mode, not knowing what life is about, and why, and who I should live it for.
I existed, but did not really lived.
I just really wish I still get to live longer to get everything right, and really start living. : )