(July 8, 2011)
Some people think that life is best lived with someone you love.. I don’t contradict it since I believe in it as well, it’s just that I still haven’t got anyone for myself.
I have to admit that there are really those times where the reality of not having someone gets the best of me, and I am left comforting myself in any way possible just so I wont appear pitiful in public, but there are also those times where all I can do is let it all out and admit that I am vulnerable when it comes to that topic.. but not bitter. There’s obviously a big difference there.
Awhile ago, I had this little conversation with my friend, Bianca:
B: “Itel, mahal mo pa.. (blablabla)?”
I: “hm.. oo.”
B: “So ever since, hindi nawala?”
I: “oo. bakit?”
B: “aw. (a little pause) di mo ba naisip na.. baka, parang nasasayang oras mo or something?”
I: “di naman sa nasasayang, hindi. hindi naman. kasi inisip ko, di naman mawawala..”
B: “na habang dinedeny mo lalo lang gumagrabe?”
I: “oo, yun din. ska, parang naisip ko rin na, siguro kasi wala pang nagpapakita ng.. yun, ng totoo. or siguro hinihintay ko na lang yun magpapakita ng higit pa sa love na alam ko, tapos ayun.. e wala pa e.”
The last thing I said has always been my thought ever since I admitted to myself of the case where I’m in to.
This conversation instantly got stuck in my head and got me into thinking the whole day until now that I am already blogging about it. I asked myself again what Bianca asked me. “Is it really wasting your time?”.. I placed myself in both answers that I can choose with regards to that question- Yes, or No.
“Yes, it’s wasting my time cos it holds me back from giving someone else a chance” but “No, cos I still haven’t found someone else to love anyway, and at least I know that I am capable of loving someone this much”.. Then I thought that my reason for ‘yes’ could also be another reason to say no, and the one that really weighs more than other reasons I have for ‘no’, is that “I still don’t want to let go, and open myself to anyone.”
Maybe I still don’t want to let go because I know that this kind of love is rare. I kind of think that I might not find myself this in love anymore for some reasons, or that I might get scared to do so again. Or maybe because the next one would most likely hurt the same, or worse. There’s also this reason that so far, no one has ever made me feel the way he does just by simply having him around, and that all of the guys I’ve met always end up being a fail. Don’t get me wrong, I put all my reasons out everytime someone tries to “make a move”, but you know.. not my fault they fail! (haha) Of course I wouldn’t want to become sure about someone who isn’t even sure himself. : )
I don’t deny being in love with the same person for almost 5 years already, and I also don’t deny that it hurts not being loved in return. I am not mad at the person, but sometimes I’d rather not talk to him, or see him, cos the last times that I got to talk or be with him, I found myself overly anxious and couldn’t talk at all. It was cos I always wanted to cry to him and hug him, but I never had the courage to, and I think that it’s not a good thing to do.
So far, since I’ve been very busy with school works, I realized how I don’t often think about love anymore, or get too sad about it. Whenever I remember, I get upset for awhile, but I’m glad it doesn’t go on for long cos it will totally ruin everything, if ever.
Right now, I’m pretty sure that I am not “looking”. I am fine and I can still manage not having someone, though of course, it could’ve been a lot better knowing someone loves you like.. you know, “love” you? It might have been more inspiring than having just some little crushy thing over someone. It could have been so overwhelming and all, but you know what they say.. you can’t have it all..
In a few months, this “love” I’m in to is going on it’s 5th yr already.. or something like that. whatever you wanna call it (hahaha).
I don’t know, it might have had ended long before it had even started. or that there’s not even a point in continuing or staying in love, but I guess I just have to wait until it ends on it’s own..? Of course, I am also trying little by little how to let things go, but right now it’s just not my priority. As of now, it’s just in the back of my mind. It’s still there, but it doesn’t get much attention anymore. Anyway, I get too tired from it or from trying to force it out, so, never mind it as long as I am doing fine. ; )
Yes, I’m still hopeful that good things come to those who wait, AND, greater things are yet to come. Hoorah! : )